The PrussiaBakura Correspondence
by Aluminium
Summary: In an epic epistolary saga involving death threats, world domination, soul-destroying magic and some truly awful nicknames, Prussia and Bakura are drawn inexorably into what almost resembles a friendship. Reluctantly rated for language.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey! OK, so this crossover just begged to be written. It started off as a quasi-joke with me and my sister, LifeInABox66, but somehow gained momentum and eventually became the monstrosity you see before you. Written as actual emails between us – I wrote Bakura and she wrote Prussia's responses. **

**Based off manga canon for Yu Gi Oh and, uh, world history for Hetalia.**

**Warning: Spoilers for Yu Gi Oh Millenium World and for German history from the Weimar Republic to the Cold War. **

**(Rated M for language that is more persistent than actually creative or explicit. Best to err on the side of paranoia.) **

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**To: ****PrussiaTheGodAwesome-dotnet**

**From: ****KingOfThievesDubiouslyAmoral-dotcom**

**Subject: The Master Plan **

First, I would like to take the opportunity to say that in no way, shape or form do I read your blog. I am not one of the horde of questionable sanity (and taste), AKA, a fangirl.

I am, however, interested in working with you. Obviously, not immediately, and only after a trial period in which I may ascertain whether you are truly a criminal genius approaching a fraction of my own calibre. Yet the fact remains, I cannot afford to take any more rash actions. Having a mildly intelligent underling to take them for me would aid my plot.

Please do not reply if you have a superpowered split personality, as I have had… unfortunate past experiences with that condition. Unless you are the superpowered side, in which case I would like to know in advance, but would not pursue the matter.

Forgive me my brevity.

Yours,

Bakura

* * *

**To: KingOfThievesDubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGodAwesome-dotnet  
Subject: Huh?**

OK, who is this 'Bakura' supposed to be? Huh? Is this France? Cause if so, and if this is some kind of stupid joke, you know exactly where I'm going to shove that rose you always carry, and let me tell you – it's not going to be pretty.

Right. So. If you're not France, who the fuck are you?

_Working _with me? Yeah, so not going to happen. For one thing, that means _work. _For another thing, you don't read my blog. Fuck you.

(Wait, I have fangirls? Really? Not ones who read my blog! The only people who _do_ read my blog are guys and Hungary. Hungary in no way constitutes a fan. Am sensing a real problem here. )

Uh, superpowered evil side? Well, I am pretty goddamned awesome. Does that count? Guess not. Not even going to ask about the 'unfortunate past experiences'. Not particularly keen on mental scarring, after all. On the other hand, _am _friends with France. Huh.

I'm pretty sure I can get an underling. Maybe even a mildly intelligent one. Well. Maybe. Depends.

Except, hold it, I just said I'm not going to work with you! And I'm not!

Probably.

But I'd sort of like to know who you are.

Yours, stupendously awesomely,

Prussia!

* * *

**To: ****PrussiaTheGodAwesome-dotnet**

**From: ****KingOfThievesDubiouslyAmoral-dotcom**

**Subject: The. Master. Plan.**

No, I am not France. For one thing, that's an utterly moronic name. For another, this France person apparently carries roses. The depths of hilarity that would be achieved by me carrying roses… the number of inventive murders that could be carried out… Or perhaps I am France, and these emails are a pathetic attempt am screwing with your head. Hm. Letters that screw with people's heads. That's an idea I could use, actually.

As for the rest of your babbling: why would you not have fangirls? You are obviously of significance in the eternally raging war of order versus chaos, given your blog is typed in Japenglermancientegyptian. Anyone even mildly significant has fangirls. Bane of my existence.

But now to get down to work, as I need to find out the nature of that significance. Not that I don't already know quite a bit about you, Nation. Whilst I am loathe to disclose any details of what my master plan entails, I do have one question. What do you know of an individual called 'Egypt'?

If you've never heard of such a person, ignore this email. Delete the details of our correspondence. Unless, of course, you want to become a mindless lackey. But that's more Marik Ishtar's department.

And by the way? Breathe a word of this to anyone, and repeating the action will become decidedly more difficult.

Bakura

* * *

**To: KingOfThievesDubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGodAwesome-dotnet  
Subject: The Fuck?**

Whoa. Whoa, wait. What. You're not making much sense, you know that?

Kay, so you're not France – am getting that particular message loud and clear. What I don't get is _if not, who the fuck are you? _And, like, _yeah, _you're screwing with my head! Even if you're being serious, there's still major head screwage going on here!

And the rest of my 'babbling'? Huh. Friendly. Way to alienate the guy you supposedly want on your side. Nice going, Bakura. Whoever the hell you are.

Uhh – order versus what now? OK, seriously, explain to me what a 'fangirl' is, cause whilst it sounds pretty awesome, I really don't get it. But hey. Fans. Always good. Also, Japenglermancientegyptian? Wha? You mean the language that nations use to communicate with each other? Didn't know anyone else knew about that. _Definitely _did not know it had such a word-salad name. Hokay. So you're not a nation. In that case, how the hell do you know about all of this stuff, including stuff that I don't know about?

You're not going to make this easy, are you. All right. I'll answer your stupid questions.

Let's get this one thing straight: I ain't no-one's mindless lackey.

Egypt? Well, yeah, course I know him, though not as well as England and France do. Actually I saw him today. Went up to him and asked what he knew about a chick named Bakura – he just gave me a really weird look. I asked around about 'Marik Ishtar' too – all I got was some incoherent squeeing from Hungary when I mentioned your name alongside his, which really wasn't helpful at all. But that's Hungary for you – she never makes much sense.

So, yeah, I've been dropping your name around. What are you gonna do about it? Last time I checked, I'm still breathing, and it's going to take a whole lot of effort to change that. Nations aren't mortal, moron. So yeah. Do your fucking worst.

Also? Quit threatening me. I'm too awesome to be threatened.

PRUSSIA! XD

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**To: ****PrussiaTheGodAwesome-dotnet**

**From: ****KingOfThievesDubiouslyAmoral-dotcom**

**Re: The fuck**

He. Hehehe. Who the fuck am I? Me? Well, let's just say that there are kings and rulers in this world – 'bosses', I believe you call them – and there are those who… oppose them. Not with petty revolutions, or sanctimonious speeches. Oh, no. So much more than that. People like me, we let the revolutionaries choke on their own blood and the words in their throats. Even the Gods wither and fade around us - trust me, I've outlasted most of them. Kings can never compare to us, decaying under the weight of their own power and their stained, reddened gold. Gold that we pick away at, slowly and surely, until one day… Ask Egypt why they stopped building pyramids. Just ask. Then tell him: the King is back.

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**To: KingOfThievesDubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGodAwesome-dotnet  
Subject: FREAKING ECONOMIC MELTDOWN**

Bakura. Bakura! BAKURA YOU BITCH! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO THE ECONOMY? OH MY GOD, WOMAN, YOU JUST CAUSED A GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS!

(OK, it has to be said: your worst? Is pretty goddamn impressive. I'm prepared to listen.)

So, I asked Egypt why they stopped building pyramids. He... kinda sorta nearly strangled me, he was so pissed off. Seriously, you're going to make the guy hate me. He already thinks I'm sort of insane because of all the random questions I've been asking. Anyway, he went on this long rant about... tomb raiders? Like, I dunno, the video game? So, what are you, like, Lara Croft? Superpowered-economic-screwy-upper Lara Croft?

What. The hell. I ask.

You know something? You're really shit at explaining stuff.

Anyway, Kings? Yeah, not a patch on _Nations. _I'm _immortal. _I'm _everlasting. Millions _look up to me. _I'm pretty fucking kick-ass awesome. _So all that King stuff is hardly going to make me piss myself in terror, is it? And you know something about revolutions? They tear down every sad little nonentity that claims to be King. Like you – some weird Internet freak, pretending to be part of something bigger and way greater than you could ever even hope of understan -

Whoawait, hold on, backupasecond. King? Not Queen? Hold on, you're a... you're a guy?

With a name like freaking _Bakura?_ Just how sadistic _were _your parents, anyway?

(Guess that explains all the Hungary squeeing.)

Well, anyway, I told Egypt the King is back, like you said. He, uh... he sort of went all quiet and... pale. And hyperventilated a little. It was actually kind of scary.

Not that I get scared, of course. Because I am the embodiment of all that is awesome. But you've probably already realised _that._

PRUSSIA :P

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**To: ****PrussiaTheGodAwesome-dotnet**

**From: ****KingOfThievesDubiouslyAmoral-dotcom**

**Subject: Fuck Off**

Brat. I'm three thousand years old. You don't impress me.

…And neither do your assumptions. I don't exactly adore my name, anyway. It's convenient, that's all. I'm willing to not slit your throat for thinking I was female, as long as you never make reference to your mistake ever again. And yes, I realise that slitting your throat won't kill you. Your point?

Egypt's reaction was… interesting. To think, that a nation would notice mere scum like me. The people damaged the most by Egypt's petty 'bosses' were hardly the ones I would expect him to remember.

But all of this is irrelevent – merely a point to ponder at a later time. I'm just interested in Egypt's power. Out of interest, as nations, would you be able to sense a large amount of spiritual energy? Souls out of place, perhaps? If something hideously, indescribably _wrong _came into being within your borders, would you feel it? If so, your input is rather valuable. Continue our correspondance. Even if not, Egypt is still of some personal importance to me (then again, much of my plans could be described as personal.)

Having reread your email, I take objection to your reference to my parents. Lucky that I'm in a good mood, or throat slitting would be becoming increasingly imminent for you. As it is, I'm just bored. You've noticed that I'm possibly one of the most powerful people in the world right now. Why, pray tell, do I have history homework? Not like I particularly care, but skipping detention in order to further my plans will lead to detection, and under no circumstances can I afford to be detected. I'm lucky, because my property's the most apathetic person I've ever had the misfortune to 'meet'. I'm unlucky because nowhere does he seem to have notes on interwar Germany.

I would usually rather chop my own leg off than ask this, but I need said appendage to move. Would you, by any chance, be able to supply some facts about Weimar for me? I assume you were present at the time.

Bakura

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**To: KingOfThievesDubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGodAwesome-dotnet  
Subject: Fuck you too**

Hey, watch who you're calling stupid names. 'Brat'? The fuck? You may be three thousand years old, but just remember this: I am so, so much more important than you in every single way possible. You're no-one. And me? I'm goddamn impressive. So you should. You know. Be impressed.

OK, you know what I think? I think all your stupid threats are bullshit. (Aside from the whole credit crunch thing, but you can't really expect me to believe that you actually caused that. Because you totally didn't.) So you know what else? I STILL THINK YOU'RE A GIRL. What are you going to do about _that_, huh? Slit my throat? Go on and try. It'll be nothing I haven't had before. Shit, it's not as though battlefields are freaking health and safety protected. I've been 'killed' more times than you can imagine by both humans and nations and I've always come back, bigger and better than before. I now survive on _sheer force of personality alone. _Because basically I'm just that fucking awesome. And you're a girl.

Also, if you ever managed to actually hurt me (_really _fucking unlikely) you'd have my friends to deal with. West would beat you to a pulp, then England would black magic your ass from here to Budapest, where Hungary would go berserk and frying pan you close to death. Then Spain would rub tomato juice in the wounds _so it really stings. _And then he'd set a _really pissed off _Romano on you, who'd probably give you _rabies _or something. Then we'd package what's left of you up and ship you to Paris where France would probably sexually harass you or something. And you'd be _really annoyed and disturbed _at the end of it.

Basically what I'm saying is that throat slittage is a really fucking stupid idea.

'Property'? Am sitting here with a dubious expression and a raised eyebrow. Do I even want to know who this person is? Is this some creepy kind of SM thing, or just your regular kidnapping/slave trade? No, really, I _don't _want to know.

Oh yeah, and after you've been shipped to France, I'll give you to Egypt so he can have revenge or something.

I asked him about the King thing again today. Or at least I tried. He was avoiding me. He... I think he whimpered when I brought it up again.

I don't think Egypt likes me much anymore.

What did you even _do _to him? Besides steal all the gold from the pyramids and shit.

Oh, the Weimar Republic? Man, that period _rocked. _Seriously. World War One wasn't exactly a blast – except in the disturbingly literal sense – but Revolution was actually kind of awesome. I mean, step outside the door and you've literally got a protest just waiting outside the front step for you to join! And they were the cool sort of protests. The whole no-holds-barred we've-got-a-big-problem-with-all-the-shit-that's-been-happening-and-damn-if-we're-not-going-to-yell-about-it-and-break-things spiel. Where you're suddenly not just you, but part of this humungous crowd that's going to crush _everything in its way _unless things start changing right _now. _Everything was falling apart, but we were going to put it back together again and this time in the right order – just terrific. Also, you know. Breaking stuff. Always good.

Uh, until the Freikorps showed up. Not so good.

And don't ask me about the stuff that came after that. Otherwise I'll cut your leg off _for_ you. And I'm betting if I slit _your _throat, it'll do a whole lot more damage than it would if you slit mine.

(Where _are _you, anyway?)

Till next time, Kura!

PRUSSIAAAAAAAA!

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**To: ****PrussiaTheGodAwesome-dotnet**

**From: ****KingOfThievesDubiouslyAmoral-dotcom**

**Re: Fuck you too**

You answered exactly none of my questions (aside from the one about Weimar Germany). Way to go. I'm getting bored at this point.

Don't call me 'Kura.

If I'm such a 'girl' (what the fuck is that about, anyway? I'm obviously male – just look at my host's profile picture), why are you emailing me? I can always use a different nation, if you care that much. You just looked easy to manipulate.

I did nothing to Egypt compared to what Egypt did to me.

In response to your query, I am in fact Japanese. Currently.

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**To: KingOfThievesDubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGodAwesome-dotnet  
Re: Re: Fuck you too**

Kura my (wo)man!

As always, your heart-warming reply filled me with happiness and light. I don't know how you learned to be so cheerful.

Seriously, no need to be all _offended. _Geez.

Oh yeah! The questions. Forgot about those. Maybe cause I don't actually _care _about whether you get your precious information or not. I thought we'd already established that there is no way on this planet that I am ever going to work as anybody's lackey. Particularly not for some megalomaniacal, sado-masochistic three-thousand-year-old schoolkid.

Hey, how'd the history essay go, anyway?

I looked at the profile picture (_host_? Another thing to add to the list of things I am not going to ask about but would sort of like answers to at some point) and I've got to tell you, it did not exactly clear things up on the gender front. You might be male, but there is no 'obviously' about it - and this coming from the guy who knows Poland.

Anyway, just cause you're a girl (maybe) doesn't mean I don't want to email you. What kind of screwed up logic is that?

Easy to fucking manipulate? Tchyeah, you've been real manipulative so far. I am totally a slave to your every whim. You can tell by the way _I still haven't answered your questions_!

OK, fine.

So, we nations are pretty damn sensitive. (And, in my case, awesome. But anyway.) We can basically sort of _feel _all our people and their emotions, and if something's not right or there's something severely screwed up, we'd definitely notice. In fact, we'd probably start acting all screwy ourselves, because anything that happens to our people happens to us too.

(Come to think of it, Egypt's been looking a little queasy recently. What have you been _doing_?)

But yeah, that's probably why Egypt seemed so scared of you. Because when something major happens in the country, let me tell you, it leaves _scars. _Of the emotional variety. But also the physical variety. It depends.

As to why you have history homework, that's probably something you should take up with your history teacher.

If you don't 'continue our correspondence', I'll get Japan to slit your throat. Just saying.

Yours, with the utmost awesomeness – just in case you needed reminding,

PRUSSIA!

PS You should really read my blog. It's like awesomeness distilled.

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**To: ****PrussiaTheGodAwesome-dotnet**

**From: ****KingOfThievesDubiouslyAmoral-dotcom**

**Re: Re: Re: Fuck you too**

_Destructive blood-thirsty eternal __**Slifer**_, I am MALE.

You are incredibly annoying. I'm fairly sure I've mentioned that. And please get over the happiness and light. Although I suppose if it's my dashing good looks, I can deal with that.

Interesting, about how sensitive you are. Very, very interesting. So, for example, should several objects of untold mystical power, capable of creating battles to the death with the universe at stake, all at the whim of a user, fall into the wrong hands, I assume he would feel a little queasy?

Actually, I have no idea why the bastard's queasy. He has his sanctimonious pharaoh all back and alive and semicorporeal. What more does he want? Surely he can't doubt that the power of friendship will conquer all, smiting 'evil' from the land and destroying the nasty thief? That fool. To think that sealing someone away inside a hunk of 9 karat gold would get rid of them.

The history homework went very well. I divided up my time well enough that I didn't have to do it. It is useful to have a host, even if mine does collapse under the weight of his depression and sorrow at his meaningless life occasionally. Pansy.

Maybe I should add my history teacher to my collection of souls. It's been growing a little depleted lately, thanks to events that I'd rather not get into.

I told you. Lackeys are Ishtar's thing, not mine.

**Ba**kura

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**To: KingOfThievesDubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGodAwesome-dotnet  
Re: Re: Re: Re: Fuck you too**

Ah, Bakky! Nice to hear from you and your dashing, effeminate good looks. Who the hell is Slifer? Believe me when I say I'm not expecting an answer at this point.

Yeah, untold mystic power would definitely leave us a little screwed up. Except for England, who gets off on that sort of stuff. Uh, but what is this – a shonen manga? Look, I've done the whole 'world at stake' thing before. Done it to death. Cold War, anyone? Yeah. Not doing that again. Could you just be a good sado-masochistic schoolboy and make all the world-in-danger stuff go away? Global recession is bad enough.

OK, you know the thing where I ask questions about all the incomprehensible stuff you said last time and you just ignore them? Well, this time I really do want an answer, damn it! Who is this 'host'? This Ishtar dude? And the Pharaoh? Thought they didn't have those anymore. And... 9 karat gold? All I have to say is: wha? Yeah. There isn't even a 't' in there - that's how confused I am. Conversation's no fun when I only understand 50% of it! And most of that's punctuation!

So I'm sitting in the bathtub at the moment, using West's laptop that I sto – _liberated _– from his room. Veneziano, Romano and Spain came round for dinner, so everything's a bit of a train wreck. I managed to escape round about the first course by using the 'gotta go do some last minute paperwork before tomorrow's mass bitching session – I mean, world conference' excuse right before the tomato sauce started flying. Am trying to ignore the muffled screams currently emanating from the room below. Hoping to God that it's just Romano being pissy and not actual countrycide. You never know, though, which is why I'm barricaded in here with eight bottles of beer and a machete.

Please, please, please add Russia to your collection of souls. Imagining the two of you battling it out just contains way too much awesome and hilarity. Add Busby's Chair to the mix and the world might explode before the economy does.

Just remembered I actually do have paperwork. Paperwork which I'm very happily _not _doing. Wish I had a lackey to do it for me. Am considering kidnapping Sealand.

Once more, with extra awesomeness,

PRUSSIA, LORD OF EVERYTHING THAT IS AWESOME!

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**To: ****PrussiaTheGodAwesome-dotnet**

**From: ****KingOfThievesDubiouslyAmoral-dotcom**

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fuck you too**

One day I swear to Zorc I'll stop emailing you. As it is, boredom, my plots and my own apparent masochism account for this.

Plan's changed, by the way. I don't need Egypt anymore. Millenium items seem to be throwing themselves at me.

Perhaps you require some explanation.

A very, very long time ago, there was a murderous bastard. Said murderous bastard murdered many people. A lot of complicated, boring and needless _stuff_ happened, and now I play interminably long card games in order to collect certain gold items which, when combined on a slab of prophetic crumbling rock, will give me untold power. You can probably guess which particular murderous bastard will be the first person on the receiving end of said power.

If you want the longer version, you'll have to wrap your head around the fact that I inhabit one of the gold items, and the murderous bastard is a three thousand year old pharoah. Also the card games are inexplicably riveting. I'm not even being ironic, here – they are. But I really don't feel like giving myself a headache by explaining the host thing, or indeed the different bits and pieces which combine together to make a soul.

I think I preferred it when I just ignored your questions and you were oblivious to the specifics of my situation.

Give me some of the paperwork. Then film your boss' reaction to the words 'murder', 'pain' and 'die' written in blood on them. It will be amusing.

Believe me when I say that kidnapping won't solve your problems. I would say that the easiest and most effective way to get something done is to manipulate a person to the extent that they will do as you ask, in good will. Mind control, kidnapping and other methods are highly overrated. If somebody really trusts you for whatever misguided reason, they'll do as you say.

Bakura

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**To: KingOfThievesDubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGodAwesome-dotnet  
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fuck you too**

Hey! Kura-Kura!

So you'll admit to the masochism but not to the sadism? Weird. Or, as you'd say, 'interesting'. (It's not; it's just creepy.)

Plan's changed? You don't need Egypt? So why the hell do you still need me?

... You _want _to keep talking to me! You like me, don't you? Admit it! You think I'm the epitome of awesomeness! It's not as though I blame you. I mean, I _am _pretty damn likeable.

I should probably be telling you to stop it with the fantasy/horror stuff and actually tell me the truth, at least some of it – but I'm actually finding it difficult to be sceptical. I mean, I went to Egypt's house yesterday – he pretended he wasn't home and barricaded the door when I arrived, but I snuck in through the back and found him hiding in a wardrobe with a butter knife; some people are just unfriendly – to see what he made of it. I told him about the gold stuff and the rocks and the Pharaoh and the vague mention of souls.

He tried to knife me first, but like I said, it was a butter knife, so yeah.

Anyway, eventually I explained that someone – no, I didn't mention you by _name _so you can get that just-swallowed-shit look off your (effeminate) face – had mentioned some of this stuff, just in passing. He kind of relaxed after realising I wasn't some agent of the Dark Side or something (oh, hang on, I totally am now, aren't I? Oops. My bad.) So... he told me some pretty crazy stuff. There were souls, and thieves, and kings, and, yep, card games. And a guy called the Thief King, who I assume was you. Except it's not you, because apparently there are two, or three of you, or something? But the first one's not actually you? This is way too fucking complicated.

I asked Hungary about it too, mostly just to distract her from hitting me on the head with a frying pan. She wasn't all that helpful. What's a 'bishonen', anyway? And what the hell does it have to do with ships?

On the manipulating thing: yeah, I'd do that if I was a total _jerk. _Seeing as I'm not, I won't. Because I'm fine with honest, open violence and belligerence - sure, whatever, tough world and all that shit. But lying and deceiving? That's just evil.

All right, let me tell _you_ a story. Once upon a time, not as long ago as all that, there was a murderous bastard. Said murderous bastard basically wanted to take over the world, but he was also completely fucking psycho because he wanted to kill certain groups of people for completely dumb and ignorant reasons. Here's the thing – he did it by making people trust him. Making a _nation _trust him. He made us – uh, the nation, I mean - do all kinds of evil things, but the nation did it because he believed what the murderous bastard said, and the murderous bastard was a cheat and an inveterate liar. What I'm trying to say here is that manipulating is a really fucking nasty idea. Which is why I'm sort of worried about you. Don't go doing anything insanely stupid or evil, please.

Oh, hey, but when you get untold power, can I have control of some of the world? I don't care who or where, really. So long as I get an Empire again! Bigger than Turkey's or England's or France's were! That'd be so cool!

On the 'murder', 'blood' and 'die' thing? Honestly, I doubt Angela would bat an eyelid. She'd just raise an eyebrow, ask me where I was drinking last night, tell me she hoped that France, Spain and I hadn't done anything too illegal and leave it at that.

But seriously, if you're offering to do the paperwork, I _will _send it to you. Sealand is proving... difficult to coerce. As in he keeps calling me a jerk and demanding pay in exchange for doing all my work for me. But I know kidnapping won't solve my problems! I mean, if I actually did that (and I was joking, by the way; the weirdness of the fact you took me seriously is not lost on me), West would kick me out of the basement! And then he'd _lecture _me or something!

Anyway, gotta go – world conference beckons. Hope to hear from you soon, if I get out of there alive.

PRUSSIA, AWESOME INCARNATE :)

* * *

**To: ****PrussiaTheGodAwesome-dotnet**

**From: ****KingOfThievesDubiouslyAmoral-dotcom**

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fuck you too**

Apparently the concept of irony is foreign to you.

I'll admit that talking to you isn't as horrifically, soul-gnawingly horrible as I thought it would be from reading your blog. After all, I thought that you were just a deluded, beer-obsessed narcissist with a strange obsession with birds. As it is, you're a deluded, beer-obsessed narcissist with a strange obsession with birds who refers to yourself as 'AWESOME INCARNATE' and has proved to be completely useless in furthering my plot…

For once, I am willing to admit ignorance. I have no idea why I'm still emailing you. Boredom, I assume.

Not that I have reason to be bored.

My plans are all coming together – almost all of the Millenium Items have gathered, and my deck is stronger than it's ever been. I am in an unlikely alliance with someone who may yet prove to be the key to destroying the mortal vessel of the pharaoh.

Never speak to me of ships again. I may have powers beyond mortal comprehension, but even I flinch when I hear the word 'Thiefshipping'. I've known people with less willpower than I to jump off cliffs at the mere mention of 'bishies', especially in conjunction with the phrase "Squee!".

You can worry about me as much as you like. Too bad I don't have time for stories. What I'm doing merely has the side effect of wanton destruction. Ultimately, that isn't my goal – just a technicality. Don't be so presumptuous as to define what I'm doing as 'good' or 'evil'.

And for future reference, you don't get an Empire. In fact, I'm not even going to dignify the rest of that paragraph with a reply.

And you call me disturbing (which is completely unwarranted, by the way). Angela sounds unnerving, to say the least. For one thing, the idea of you and the embodiments of France and Spain in one room with alcohol doesn't send her running for the hills.

What paperwork is there to do, and does it – wait, I've just realised that it will be in German. How do you expect me to help you? You actually expected me to help you? You'll have more luck kidnapping Sealand, to be honest. And who the fuck is Sealand, anyway?

Have 'fun' at your world conference. Do tell me if the growing influence of a children's card game on the world economy is mentioned.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a blimp to catch.

Bakura

* * *

**A/N: Please do not try too hard to reconcile this with the actual timeline for Yu Gi Oh. We tried. It was tricky. Heads actually exploded. Sorta messy. Yeah. **


	2. Chapter 2

**To: ****PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet**

**From: ****KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom**

**Forward: Serpent Island Centipede**

**Also known as the 'Serpent Island Centipede', Scolopendra abnormis is an arthropod native to the Republic of Maritius, and can grow to up to a foot long. Unfortunately, it is also classified on the IUCN red list as 'vulnerable', and as Serpent Island is its only known habitat, it may not last the next few years. This species is unique, and plays a vital role in the ecosystem of Serpent Island, acting as a primary consumer to feed numerous varieties of seabird, many of which are on the endangered list themselves. In light of this, we ask you to support SISI (Serpent Island Support International) and aid our quest to preserve the fauna of Maritius' isles.**

**Thank you for taking the time to read this message. You can donate at the link provided:**

**sisi - dotnom**

Sorry to bother you all, but I think this is a worthy cause! I've already forwarded the message to everyone on my contacts list, and I hope you'll do the same. Species like this are so fascinating, and they're really cute. I wish I could keep one as a pet...

Bakura

* * *

**To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet  
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fuck you too**

Bakuraruranina!

You DID read my blog! I knew it! And talking to me isn't soul-numbingly horrifically whatever? Coming from you – that means you think I'm awesome! It's OK. You can admit it. Most people _do _find it difficult to deny just how awesome I actually am. Many have tried to describe the extent of my awesomeness and never quite managed to do it justice. So I can see why you don't even feel up to trying, and go with insults instead. Most people do that. It's all right – I understand completely.

Wait, when did I mention beer or birds? Have you been _stalking _me? No fair! How come you've never said hi?

(Also, if you don't have a reason to be bored, you're not bored. You're just enthralled by my awesomeness. Difficult mistake to make, but you seem to have made it.)

So how's it going up on the... blimp? Did you type that right?

Your... deck... is stronger than it's ever been. You mean you're going to deck someone? As in, punch? Heh, I never thought of you as the violent type. You're more the 'inconsequential threats' type.

So I talked to Japan at the conference to see if I could get the whole ship thing cleared up. Well, actually I went to England first because I figured, hey, he used to have the biggest navy, so maybe he could help. He told me to fuck off, though. Well, actually he told me to _fruk_ off, but I figured he just misspoke. Anyway, I mentioned Thiefshipping (the hell? Not even a word! This coming from the fucking _homeland _of compound words!) and Japan's eyes went wide. He, uh... he looked a little angry. Although still polite. (Why is it that you keep making me piss people off inadvertently?) Said something difficult to make out about Tendershipping being the only OPT – no, wait, POT, I think. Politely. But it was pretty freaking _terrifying. _So I just nodded along and agreed with everything he said – none of which, by the way, made any sense whatsoever. Then Hungary turned up and I might have said something about her being all – well, all 'squee' about this Thiefshipping thing.

I, uh. I think I triggered an international crisis.

Damn you, Kura.

Japan and Hungary are _still _arguing last time I checked. Japan's being politely _menacing, _and Hungary's reaching for the frying pan, and nobody can even tell what the fuck they're even _talking _about. Except for the bespectacled ponce in the corner – Austria to you - who's looking all long-suffering and _amused. _Idiot.

(You said never to mention ships again, but you must have known all along I'd just ignore you, so yeah. Mentioning ships. What are you going to do about it – _card game_ me to death?)

Fine, whatever, be all up your own ass about the good and evil thing. See if I care. Pretentious bastard.

(But if there's going to be destruction – wanton or not, whatever – call me up! I don't want to miss out on that!)

Tch. You're no fun. Well, I'm going to rule the world someday even without your help! And then maybe, just maybe, I _might _let you have Egypt. But only if you ask nicely. And answer all my questions.

No-one mentioned card games at the conference. What do you think we are, kids? Admittedly, America wouldn't shut up about _video _games, but I suspect that doesn't count.

Gotta go – Turkey and Greece have started a fistfight and with any luck they'll let us all join in. Either way, this laptop's as good as destroyed!

Hope you're having fun being all badass on a blimp.

From the awesomeness that is me,

PRUSSIA! XD

* * *

**To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet  
Re: Serpent Island Centipede**

OH MY GOD, THOSE CENTIPEDES ARE SO FREAKING _CUTE_! That's it, I'm getting one of those as a pet. Is Serpent Island even a nation-tan? _So _tracking him/her down.

Ha, I have to say, Kura, I never pegged you as the animal-rights type. Also never thought you'd be the type to apologise for bothering me. Actually, it's hard to picture you apologising at all. Or, you know, saying anything remotely friendly/non-aggressive.

Come to think of it, where are you? You haven't emailed in two days now. I mean, yeah, you used to not reply for a week or so, but now we're messaging pretty much every day. _So where the hell are you_? And don't tell me there's no Internet reception on the blimp thing, cause you're actually _closer _to satellites and shit, so if anything, the connection should be stronger.

Write soon! I'm bored!

PRUSSIAWESOME!

* * *

**To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet  
Subject: Hello?**

Kura? OK, look, I know we never said anything, but we had this _thing, _right? We'd email every day, right? Like an unwritten sort of rule.

_So what's the use of a _thing _if you won't play by the rules?_

Is it because I mentioned shipping? Shit, you're sensitive. Get over it and email me, will you?

PRUSSIA!

* * *

**To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet  
Subject: HELLO?**

Kuraaaaa. Am waiting. With half-full beer can in hand, slightly irritated expression on face, and _totally empty inbox. _Remedy this. _Now._

PRUSSIA.

* * *

**To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet  
Subject: Anyone... there?**

Kura?

Shit, you were serious when you swore to someone weird whose name I can't remember that one day you'd just stop emailing! Damn it! You can't just stop writing!

Write back. Please. Write anything! Write to say you're pissed off that I keep bothering you. Write to say I'm a boring, unawesome, murderous bastard. Write to say you just killed a puppy. Write to say you ate a baby. Just write.

Goddamnit, Kura you're making me write stupid, pathetic soppy stuff now! Bastard.

Fuck you! I have better things to do than email you!

(But that doesn't mean I'd rather do them.)

Just get your ass over to a computer and _type _something.

Prussia

* * *

**To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet  
Subject:**

Kura?

... Bakura?

* * *

**To: ****PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet**

**From: ****KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom**

**Subject: Back**

I'm back. Nice to see you pining in my absence.

Bakura

P.S. I'm probably going to be away for quite a while, quite soon. Should everything not go according to plan, then I won't be in a position to email. I have a little time before the reckoning. But not much. Savour my presence, wuss.

P.P.S. And by the way, next time, just stop bloody emailing instead of acting like a pathetic moron. It's annoying, and my host is already disturbed enough without your influence.

P.P.P.S. And what the hell is all of this about a serpentine millipede?

P.P.P.P.S. And since when have I ever apologised for anything?

* * *

**To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet  
Subject: You stupid bastard!**

Bloody shitting _fuck, _Kura! You bastard! Why didn't you _warn _me? Where the hell _were _you? Why didn't you _say _anything till now?

Is it so inconceivable that I might have been _worried_?

Not that I actually _was _worried. Much. No, I was the picture of unflappable awesomeness. Obviously. You're just rubbish at interpreting emails. _Pining?_ Pfft. You wish!

Any plans to tell me what's going on right now, or are you just going to leave me in the dark as always? No, don't answer that – it doesn't take a genius to guess. Not that I'm not a genius. Or something. Anyway, you telling me anything to do with what's happening or where you are is looking about as likely as me ever learning what the hell Thiefshipping and Tendershipping are.

(Equally unlikely is the possibility of Hungary and Japan ever shutting up about it. They're driving every other Nation nuts with the constant arguing... Makes a change from all the _usual_ death threats and century-old vendettas you get during world meetings, I guess. Sorta.)

If your 'host' is so disturbed – which I totally don't get, by the way, cause you're the disturbing one, not _me _– then why doesn't he stop reading your emails? Or why don't you just change your password? Duh!

Anyway, if you've never apologised for anything, explain the last email you sent about the cute centipedes! Check your sentbox, doofus. What is this, some sort of stupid game? Are you trying to screw with my head _again_?

(_Are _you actually France?)

Well, anyway, you're really weird. That's fine, usually. But when you're weird _and _refuse to say anything? _That _I take offence to. Guess I found myself missing all the death threats or something.

From the epitome of _non-pining_ awesomeness,

PRUSSIA!

PS By the way, West keeps asking who I'm always talking to online. Mostly because I keep stea – _borrowing _his laptop. Say hi next time, kay? And try to refrain from adding anything homicidal. I _know _you, Kura.

* * *

**To: ****PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet**

**From: ****KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom**

**Re: You stupid bastard!**

Stop overreacting. You know I'll never be truly beaten. I merely lost a couple of shadow games (yes, they were card games) (you underestimate the importance of card games), and paid the price. Which happened to be my immortal soul. Don't worry: I got better.

Worried? Why would you be worried? You barely know me.

Hm. I think I'll leave you in the dark. It's best that you don't know too much, or I'd have to kill you.

How's Egypt, by the way? The concept of him being a person never fails to amuse me. Presumably he is mildly insane and enjoys stabbing people, as backed up by your butter knife comment a while ago. In fact, the entire idea of nations is bizarre. For one thing, people don't seem to be aware of them anymore. In my time, Egypt was at least acknowledged as existing, although all information about him was to be taken with more than a pinch of salt.

Hungary and Japan sound intriguing. I'd like to know more about them. They enjoy hitting people with cooking utensils, you say? I never did try that. Unless you count a knife as a cooking utensil. Or that one time with the colander. But I don't tell people about that one very often, and everyone who was present is sworn to secrecy.

My host reads my emails largely because, by default, they are also his emails. This is rather annoying, if a good psychological experiment. He now flinches whenever he sees a tea cup. That's another story not to ask about. I suppose I could change my password, but that would be so boring. Much more fun to occasionally confuse him. I send emails to addresses that don't exist, or do exist and are for the Lithuanian government, and such.

Ah. The centipedes. Do you know how annoying it is to have a bloody SISI collection box on every available surface. And the pamphlets. Sweet Bast's blessed hairball, the pamphlets. I've taken to burning them. So no, that email was not from me. It was from the idiot who owns this email, this body, and (roughly 5% of the time) this brain. Why yes, I did have the 'fortune' to end up with a host with _morals_. He donates to charity. He raises money for centipedes. He is going to get a fish slice to the head if he doesn't stop forwarding messages about the damn things to everyone on our shared contacts list.

I am not France. I can think of nothing to say - and no threats to make – on the matter. Please reread older, more unambiguously hostile emails for my views on the matter.

Don't worry. If I do die at some point, the destruction wreaked upon the world probably won't leave much time for pining anyway. Heh.

Everything's going according to plan.

And yes, you do pine.

Bakura

P.S. Hello, West. I am apparently not allowed to threaten to murder you, so I'm not too sure what to write. I assume your name is actually Germany, although my knowledge of geography is somewhat shaky. In which case, I suppose we could discuss the finer points of Prussia's ('East's'?) penchant for pining. Unless he reserves his pining for me. In which case, I suppose you have your answer to why he only emails me all the time.

P.P.S. Prussia: I'm way out of your league.

* * *

**To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet  
Subject: Damn it, you long-haired git!**

K-Kura?

What the fuck do you mean by THAT? Out of your league? How so, you bastard? If anything, _I'm_ out of _your _league, because I'm way too AWESOME for you!

( ... Hang on, why would you even bring that up in the first...? No, wait. Never mind. It's probably just you being your usual bizarre self.)

On a related note, how is it that you can't find anything to say (aside from 'hello') to someone new besides death threats? Is that your idea of _small talk _or something? Cause, if so, a simple "nice weather we're having" would be just as effective, if not more so, as "I will slit your throat and eat your soul". Just a thought. Anyway, I showed that last part to West. He got that look on his face which means he's both stern and worried, which has the added unintentional affect of making him look constipated. He asked if I was entirely sure if this person was my _friend. _I told him, of course – sure, you can be an obnoxious dick at times, so I could see why he thought you didn't really like me, but the dickishness is really just a cover to stop you from having to admit how awesome I am.

(See, I _do _know you. Even if you'd never admit it. In fact, I know you well enough to know that you're the kind of person who'd never admit that I know you.)

I'd take offence to the whole 'keeping me in the dark' thing, if it hadn't been so obvious all along that that's what you were going to say.

Egypt's not insane! It's just that countries tend to have points in their history that they'd rather not talk about and will hit/stab/eviscerate any person who brings them up in conversation with the object nearest to hand. Which is sometimes, but not always, a butter knife. But, in answer to your question, he's been avoiding me. I blame you, of course.

But whaddaya mean nobody knows about Nations? _Everyone _knows about Nations! Everyone's always been able to recognise us. I mean, hell, you can't even _glance _at an American tabloid without seeing pictures of Alfred (and England, for that matter) splashed all over the front cover! Where've you been _living_ all this time– under a rock?

As for Hungary and Japan... well, the war rages on. Actually, it's taken on a freaking _global _dimension since yesterday. Were now officially dealing with World War Three. They were arguing, as usual, when suddenly England came up to them, looking all smug. He said: "Let's settle this with a compromise. In order to quell this dispute, the answer is simple: Tornshipping is the only way forward!"

Hungary and Japan just looked a little stunned, like they'd never thought of that before.

The France smarmed his way up to them. He said: "Why stop there? England, you surprise me. Surely Fractureshipping is far more practical."

I swear, Hungary's eyes were like saucers. "And way, way hotter! Yeah, I'm convinced!" she said.

But then Japan started to look irritated and muttered something about France going way too far and Tendershipping being his – OPT? OTP? Damn it, what's with all the initials, anyway? Then England snapped that France should stop being so perverted, and France said that he was one to talk, and then they began strangling each other like they always end up doing, and then Japan and Hungary began arguing _again, _and then somehow the whole room got involved.

_Would someone please explain to me what the fuck is with everyone these days? _Or, you know, failing that, at least explain what _shipping _is?

Am totally not expecting any answer, of course.

So let me get this straight: your 'host' is like your split personality? Ooh, is he like your nice, fluffy side? Cause, heh, that'd be really cool. Or is it just some kind of two-souls-one-body thing?

Oh, and?

Like. Fuck. Do. I. _Pine. _Stupid, effeminate _bastard. _

(Just don't fucking _disappear _again, promise? Geez, just give me some warning next time, will you?)

From someone who is amazing, out of your league and just generally all-round awesome,

PRUSSIA! :P

* * *

**To: ****PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet**

**From: ****KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom**

**Re: Damn it, you long-haired git!**

I think nations have a little too much time on their hands. Also the rest of them are all disturbed. Stay well out of the way of their verbal flame wars. And no, you will never know what a 'flame war' is, if I have my way. Or 'shipping'. The idea of you shipping anything is enough to make me want to retch or possibly laugh hysterically.

I am going to ignore the 'out of your league' comments, because I have taken to ignoring anything with a stupidity content as high as that.

I don't see why I should talk about the weather. Back in Egypt, it was mostly the same all year. Days were warm; nights were cold, etc. I was fine with that, having never experienced much else. Now there's variation, and people actually talk about it. Why, pray tell? No point. Besides, why shouldn't I tell people that I'm going to slit their throat? "Honesty is the best policy". And I don't eat souls. I collect them. Souls need to be carefully preserved to maintain their sheen. They're delicate. Metal's best, for sealing them, although I've heard that clay can be used. Soft materials, like lead and clay and gold. Gold is especially good.

I digress.

I'm not your friend! Where did you get that impression? I don't have friends, I have allies, and people who help me occasionally, and people who maintain contact with me. I don't have friends. I have people whom I would willingly defend because it is advantageous to do so.

I suppose that over in the west, nations are a big thing, and over here, card games are. It would certainly make a lot of sense, despite the fact that Duel Monsters was initially developed in America. You should play Duel Monsters. Of course, I would almost certainly leave you _pining_ in the gutter with my occult deck, but nonetheless. Decks reflect their owners. Perhaps the game needs to branch out to include 'moron' type monsters in order to accommodate you.

And again, I refuse to explain the concept of shipping. Just drop it.

I must leave such an impression, that you don't even bother asking questions anymore. I'm almost flattered. Almost. Except I do explain things. For your information: my host is an incredibly apathetic teenage boy, who tends to ignore random violence and destruction in favour of staring at a certain other host with a questionable haircut. He does play tabletop roleplaying games like Monster World, though, so he at least has taste. If not much, judging by his centipede fixation. At any rate, if you want to know more about him, just imagine a kicked puppy that knows that if it so much as whimpers, it will be kicked again. So it sits there in silence, looking a little miserable and mildly constipated, collecting fangirls. Pathetic, I know. As to our connection, the Millenium Ring (the current resting place of my soul), is his. He is its fated owner. Ergo, we share a head. Yay.

I suppose, if it will make you shut up, I promise that I won't disappear. Like hell am I going to let Mutou beat me, when the time comes. So there's no chance of that happening.

Bakura

* * *

**To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet  
Subject: Hey you :)**

Kura!

How come you never sign off as 'Kura'? It's obviously what I call you, so you should go along with it, given that we're _friends _and all. And how come you never address _me _by name, anyway? Too shy? Hehe.

Oh yeah, and we're friends because I say we are. And because if I left it up to you, you'd never admit it, because you'd be too intimidated and overwhelmed by my awesomeness to even bring it up. Anyway, I'm a Nation - I technically outrank you. So what I say goes. And I say that your cute little description of allies you'd willingly defend sounds an awful lot like friendship. I mean, hell, with Nations, 'alliance' tends to mean 'love affair' – 'cept when it's England and France, in which case it's more 'hate affair'. Or England and America, where it's just 'really fucking ambiguous'.

The other Nations aren't disturbed! France is _depraved, _sure, but... OK, well Russia's pretty disturbed, actually. But England's just sort of uptight and grouchy. Hungary's weird and insane, but it's not disturbing, just occasionally terrifying. Austria's a ponce, but he's too boring to be disturbed. Japan's too sane. Well, sort of. America's just sorta deluded, more than anything else. Veneziano's a space cadet and Romano's a living bundle of emotional issues, but yeah. And West is the sanest, most normal person I know! The rest of us... none of us are _disturbed _exactly! I mean, if we're using _you _as the model for _that_, nobody even comes close to your level of fucked-upness.

(Besides Russia, I mean.)

OK, the soul thing? Really fucking creepy. Worse, I asked England about all that shit to do with metal and stuff – and he _agreed. _Said he didn't know who I'd been talking to, but they really knew what they were doing. So there you go: you have Eyebrows' approval.

Damn, I'm gonna have to ask Egypt about what he thinks about being one-upped in importance by card games! Ha! Duel Monsters sounds pretty cool, though. My Moron Deck would be the strongest, most awesome one in existence! Far better than any dumb Occult Deck. I'd kick your ass from here to Tannenberg, bet ya anything.

Am dropping the shipping thing here and now. I hear way too much about it at work these days, anyway.

Whoo! I know how to get you to explain stuff! If I say you never explain anything, you'll do it just to prove me wrong! Hehehe! Totally deliberate gambit on my part. Obviously. What's your host called, anyway? Lemme guess. Rainbow? Fluffy? Puppy? I like puppies. They're so cute! Also centipedes. Damn, I want a Serpent Island centipede. I asked West if he wouldn't mind one – he just sort of _looked _at me, which I took to mean both 'yes' and 'no'. As in 'yes, I would definitely mind' and 'no way in hell'. So I'm thinking of getting a tarantula instead; I don't know, what do you think?

I guess it'd get pretty annoying sharing a head with someone. I mean, sharing a _house _with someone is bad enough sometimes. West gets bugged by it, I think. Then he takes out his irritation on me by being really irrational: telling me to clean my room, or to stop leaving empty beer cans on every surface, or to do the fucking _laundry _of all things. Gets on my nerves, I can tell you.

Yay, you promised! And you know what? Only friends make promises. Virtual pinky swear, hey?

You know you think I'm awesome,

PRUSSIA! XD

* * *

**To: ****PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet**

**From: ****KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom**

**Subject: A sudden revelation**

I have suddenly realised why your emails are so moronic. It's because, by some strange fluke of the internet, the phrase 'eternal hatred' keeps on being replaced by 'friendship'. Likewise, 'awesome' should really be 'a fucking idiot' (e.g. "You know I'm a fucking idiot"; "That's totally fucking idiotic" etc.)

Bakura

* * *

**To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet  
Subject: Hehe**

No need to get all defensive, Bakky. :)

* * *

**To: ****PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet**

**From: ****KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom**

**Subject: Oh, for the love of...**

I'm worried. Your last email was even worse than the penultimate one. In light of this, I'll respond to the lesser of two evils.

I never sign off as 'Kura', because that is not my name. Bakura is a perfectly good name, of which I am rather fond. It rolls off the tongue, I think. It sounds better when it maintains the syllables it was given, as opposed to being _brutally mangled and twisted into a pseudo-affectionate pet name_. I never call you by your name because I never do shut up.

Excuse me. You do not outrank me, you brat. You should be quailing before my nigh omnipotence and impending actual omnipotence. I've never been one for rank, anyway. I rather like murdering people of rank. Or torturing them. Torturing seems an increasingly viable option. As for the relationships of nations, count me increasingly uninterested and utterly disdainful. And ambiguity is underrated, by the way.

You know, that entire paragraph just cinched it for me. You are all disturbed. Then again, the people around here aren't much better. From the little twerp with the purple hair, to the idiot Egyptian who is now 'redeemed' and officially as brainwashed into the twerp's ways as everybody else, everyone in Japan seems to have been manipulated into hero worshipping the pharaoh. It's like watching history fucking repeat itself, with fewer pyramids.

Oh yes, this is what 'friends' email each other about, isn't it? Their own petty problems and how much they hate everyone around them. Aren't you so proud of the progress we've made – from death threats, to 'friends'!

Please send me Russia's email address. I would like to contact him. He sounds like my sort of person.

Did you honestly not believe me about souls? Heh. I'm sure England told you that once a soul is sealed within a certain kind of very powerful magical object (generally gold), it takes power equal to or greater than that of the object to release the soul. That, or a bargain with whoever did or is currently held responsible for the sealing, usually in the form of a game.

And card games are quite possibly the most important thing in the world right now. Without them, far more dark and convoluted shadow games would be played. Which, whilst I would rather enjoy it, would give us all a splitting headache, because a shadow game without established rules is as good as a death warrant. Actually, I'm beginning to get ideas from this. Thank you for inadvertently aiding me in orchestrating the pharaoh's demise.

My host's name is none of your business. I prefer to keep him confined to his fated role in the world's destiny: not being particularly relevant. It also avoids the hassle of having threats towards him, as well as myself. A trap that the pharaoh fell right into, I might add.

The next person who mentions fucking centipedes is getting thrown out a window.

Sometimes I think that Germany puts up with a lot.

Cleaning your room. Highly irrational. I hate to break it to you, but Germany is right. You should keep your house clean. It not only allows you to leave at a moment's notice, but it means that you won't trip over stray beer cans, and fellow residents will appreciate it. Honestly, I can't stand clutter. You should tidy up. Tch. Idiotic nation.

No. You know what I am referring to, and my answer is and always will be 'no'. I am not your friend (how many times must I say this?), hence _**no**_.

You are as awesome as a knife wound to the left arm.

Bakura


	3. Chapter 3

**Note: take everything Bakura says with a pinch of salt. If it were up to LifeInABox66, it would all be true. If it were up to me, it would all be false. So... it's all open to interpretation, I guess?**

**(My sister is such a wuss.)**

**LifeInABox66: Screw the YuGiOh canon; what's adorable goes! **

**Bonus points if you manage to get all the various references to the Abridged Series and other miscellaneous things that we've managed to shove in here.**

**By the way, the first letter is a reply to Bakura's last letter from the previous chapter, so you might want to reread that one if confused. Damn you, chapter breaks!**

**

* * *

**

**To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet  
Subject: Heya!**

Ah, Kura!

Geez, someone's feeling grumpy today. When are you going to lighten up? I guess it must be the effect of all those 'shadow' games, huh? Hehe.

(See what I did there? With the pun? Huh? You know, the whole 'light' and 'sha – yeah, you get it.)

Names are no fun unless you can play around with them. Threaten me all you like, I still say 'Bakura' sounds like a girl's name. Not that 'Kura' is exactly the epitome of manliness. Hmm. How about 'The Kurinator'? Yeah! Definitely more menacing.

... OK, so it's something to work on, anyway.

And again with the 'brat' shit! I thought you'd put an end to all the name-calling ages back! Well, at least it's a name at all, which is an improvement. Slow progress, right? Yeesh.

Omnipotent? Tch. Like hell. If you were omnipotent, I'd know. Nations are sensitive, good at conveying the mood of the people – you remember all that stuff from ages (a few weeks, I think) back? Yeah, well I'm not feeling any omnipotence here. Not even a _little _bit. I don't even know what omnipotence _feels _like, that's how far away you are from it. 'Fraid you're just another three-thousand-year-old egotist, just like the rest of us! Except, of course, I'm not really that old. (China is.) But I more than make up for it in awesomeness! Ergo, I outrank you. Ha.

'Ambiguity is underrated'? The hell does that even mean? You know, Bakky, you're good at stringing together fancy phrases, but they have to actually mean something alongside all that.

The twerp? OK, sometimes your habit of never calling people by their real names makes things kinda difficult. Help me out here! Make up names if you want! Anything to get you to make more _sense_.

As for history repeating itself... well, people _say _it does that, sure. I don't know. Sometimes I get the feeling that it's this event or that event all over again, it's just that the names and faces have blurred and rearranged, like alphabet soup and the Sims or something. Other times – mostly when I'm in a better mood, or trashed – everything feels all new and nice, but it's not quite as exciting cause we're all politicians or lawyers or something instead of warriors. Except the suits don't fit quite as comfortably as, you know, the armour did. Instead of relying on your own guts and strength, it's all about the outcome of this global meeting or that diplomatic compromise. No room for just charging in and going with the flow, you know?

Then there are other times when I don't even know and I just want to go get a drink.

But it's like England, you know? You can totally tell he still wants to be at the helm – I think it's the helm? – of a ship, with the wind in his sails and all that jazz. Sometimes I watch him kowtowing to America, and I can tell he hates it. He just wants power again. Then the Scandinavians – you can just _see _sometimes that they wish to God they were still wearing spiky helmets. Even if they didn't, actually. Wear spiky helmets. The Vikings, I mean. But you know what I'm saying. Then there's France – fucking hell, he's just dying to have another revolution, and he wants it to be as bloody and destructive as possible. Japan's all about video games rather than real violence now, but we all know he just really wants to be a samurai again. Hungary's totally still a nomad at heart – for her, if she had the choice, it's be all running with the wild horses, and hunting, and having catfights with Romania. Long story short, we were all so wild, and we were never tamed. Not _really_.

But yeah, you're, like, curling your lip in disdain right now, or whatever it is you do when you're totally unimpressed. Fuck off. This is just stuff about _me_, OK? You're my friend; you _have_ to listen to it.

No, there is no way in hell you are getting Russia's email address. Like I'd let you talk to that bastard.

But yeah, of course I believe in _souls_. Shit, I'm still fucking Christian, aren't I? I mean, Jesus freaking _talks _to me! And I kind of do believe you about everything else. Hell knows why. I could say it's cause Egypt's story was similar to yours, but it's not that. It's because you never lie really, do you?

Now, the card games are a different story. As awesome as it sounds, I'm pretty sure the world doesn't revolve around _gaming_. I'd know if it did!

And seriously, you should be more concerned about the Serpent Island Centipedes. They're an _endangered species_!

Anyway, you're beginning to sound like West. It's all: "Prussia, you've got to be _responsible. _Tidy up. Do paperwork. Help with the chores. Learn to cook. Act like me – a fucking automaton!" Yeah well, you know what? No. I'm already pretending to _tame_; what more do you _want _from me?

Whoa. Cheery email, huh?

Anyway, you just totally admitted I'm a _little _awesome, even if I'm only as awesome as a stab wound. But, like I've said before – coming from you, that's practically _adoration_.

Why not just save yourself the hassle and admit I'm a pretty fucking fantastic guy?

Awesomely, as always,

PRUSSIAAAAA! 8-)

PS You know, one day you'll stop putting those quote marks around the word friend.

* * *

**To: ****PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet**

**From: ****KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom**

**Re: 'Heya'.**

I feel the need to open this email with the obligatory statement about you, puns, cosmic horrors and a severe lack of awesome, but I really can't be bothered to think up something cutting. Insert it yourself, if you'd like.

I am trying, with great difficulty, to prevent myself from putting quotes around the word 'awesome'. Come to think of it, communication would be far easier if we were face to face – I would merely inject the necessary derision into my tone. But I suppose meeting up is practically impossible. For one thing, it won't be long before the reckoning, and for another, you're half way across the world. You'll just have to deal with punctuation as an indication of tone, I suppose.

Names are important. As a nation, you should know that. You have a name that, apparently, everyone knows is yours: Prussia. And you have a human name, but I've rarely seen those used, outside of tabloids. It's a sort of duality, and in the same way, ordinary people have many names. All of them are powerful, conveying the feelings of both the named and the namer. Nicknames cheapen that. There, I have rationally explained my intense hatred of everything you call me. Could you shut the hell up about it now?

I will call you 'brat' if I feel like it. I feel like it. Besides, you are one of the few people I know actually deserving of the name…

You can sense omnipotence? Don't make me laugh. The world hung in the balance last Wednesday, over a simple Duel Monsters shadow game, and I doubt you noticed. There are forces at work here more powerful even than nations. If you want proof, ask England (or whatever his name was) if he could remove souls from the Millennium Items. He'll know what I'm talking about, if just by reputation, and he'll tell you that he doesn't have the power. Then again, neither do I. Yet.

Ambiguity is just one of my many talents. Not understanding jokes is one of yours.

Have some names! I'm sure you'll love them. In order of importance, we have: the pharaoh, the purple-haired twerp (which, coincidentally, can also refer to the pharaoh), Egyptian Moron, Coat Tails, Mysterious Egyptian Bastard, Egyptian Moron #2, Medical Miracle, Bland, Blander, Egyptian Moron #3, Coat Tails' Little Brother, Medical Miracle's Little Sister, Harpy Lady, the purple-haired twerp's grandpa and, right at the bottom of the chain, my host. You may call him 'Blandest'.

You appear to be suffering background melancholy. This is the nagging background feeling that something is probably wrong, depressing and likely to cause future anguish. My suggestion? Go murder somebody! Obviously, what's wrong is that you're being made to act tame, like you said. Bloodshed will always make you feel better, in that case. There's a real adrenaline rush in sending somebody into eternal darkness and damnation. That and in carrying knives. I like knives.

I don't have to listen to you, and I'm not your friend. I just happen to be listening anyway, primarily because I have nothing better to do (other than torment my host, but even that has its limits). So don't get any ideas.

Of course I never lie.

I will ignore the centipede comment, lest I accidentally end up responsible for even more homicides than I already am.

Tch. I just said to clean your room. I could care less about automatons. If you were an automaton, you wouldn't be worth the constant emails. As it is, you are a break from the friendship speeches. I'm fairly sure my host doesn't have a life outside of playing children's card games with his friends, during which they all soliloquize. Repeatedly. Perhaps playing Duel Monsters is fun – oddly enough, it is – but to be a spectator is something that I cannot stand. So, as I said, it's nice to have a break from watching teenagers play games made for ten year olds.

You are absolutely fucking fantasticewrgthjhgfgdfdss

Excuse me. I was trying to type that with a straight face, and failed miserably. I laughed so hard that I mashed up the keyboard.

Bakura

P.S. The word 'friend' was never intended to be written without quotation marks. 'Friend' in Ancient Egyptian also meant 'murderous bastard who is likely to stab you in the back'.

* * *

**To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet  
Subject: You said it! **

Kura, you know full well that I could never be as cutting as you! You'll have to supply the snark yourself. I'm too awesome to try and imitate. I mean, it works both ways - you know that you can't be _me _– you're just not awesome _enough_!

Hey, why _don't _we meet? Shit, nations can travel pretty much anywhere they want. How do you think I've managed to go to Egypt's house so often? Some of us even swear we can travel faster than humans. Don't know how it works – physics or something weird like that. Nations make scientists _cry_. But yeah. How about it? I could make it in time to watch your reckoning thing – then I'd get the chance to watch one of those awesome card game thingies! I could cheer you on from the sidelines! And then you'd throw a knife at me! It'd be _fun_!

It's not going to happen, is it?

Well, maybe afterwards, then. Besides. Emails are good. I like emails.

Names? Tch. They only mean what you want them to mean. Can't be bothered with my human name, really. Why would I want to hide the fact that I'm _Prussia _and thus _freaking awesome _for fuck's sake? But yeah. Nicknames are actually better than other names, because they means exactly what you want them to! In light of this, I shall now call you The Kuranator.

Nah, just kidding; Kura or Bakky's fine. It means you're more to me than just plain 'Bakura'. Think about it. Bakura's the name you used when you _threatened _and _confused _me. Which, of course, you still routinely do. But yeah. If you get to call me brat, I get to call you whatever the hell I choose!

The world hung in the balance last _Wednesday _and you didn't _warn _me? The hell, Kura. There's keeping me in the dark, and then there's keeping me in the _darker _dark. And the darker dark is not good at all. Not for a Nation. Regular darkness, I can just about deal with, but important stuff? Damn it, I should know things like that!

Am kind of amused you couldn't remember England's name. Dude. It's not difficult. It's the same as the _country_. You want to express disdain, be my guest, but at least make it believable. So yeah, I asked him about all this crazy card games shit. And damn it, Kura, he looked _frightened. _Like he knew something really bad was about to happen and he wasn't even sure how it'd end, just that either way it'd be pretty damn awful. Being England, he didn't give details – or even a short summary. He just carried on _looking _at me until the stiff-upper-lip gene kicked in and I got the most ominous-sounding offer of tea I've ever been given. Oh, and yeah, then he told me sort of briskly: "Removing a soul from a Millennium Item - impossible? Don't be ridiculous, Beilschmidt. Of course I could do that. I simply choose not to do so." Which, of course, means he can't and he's pissed about it.

He and Egypt have begun sitting in corners together at conferences, acting foreboding as hell, speaking quietly and looking all affronted when anyone else tries to talk to them. America looks like a kicked puppy, to use one of your favourite descriptions. (Just why _is _that one of your favourite descriptions, anyway? Did you kick a puppy when you were only a small kid of three hundred and never quite get over it?) Hungary and Japan have calmed down, too – they're looking really miserable these days. Even _West _seems anxious. He keeps asking me about you – I never told him much, just that your name's Kura and you're a homicidal sado-masochist; the usual stuff – and looking more _concerned _and _responsible _even than usual.

Why does everyone seem to know something I don't? (Besides America, I mean.)

Guess I'll just have to sit this one out. Man, I _hate _sitting stuff out. I hate _sitting._

Anyway.

Yeah, for someone who hates nicknames, you... do it a lot.

_Murder _someone? Not really sure if I should be filing a restraining order, or punching the air and yelling "Best. Advice. _Ever_!" You make me laugh, you know that? Also... you're insane, you know that? Yes, yes you do. Look, try to wrap your head around the fact that this is a problem murder can't solve. Don't look so shocked, now. It's _institutional, _see? It isn't just something you can do away with by being out of control for a few moments, although that helps – when I'm doing crazy stuff with France and Spain, things feel almost normal and natural again – but it's not an issue with _me_. It's an issue with all of us, and with the world.

Trouble is it's _good _news for the world that we've all stopped tearing each other and ourselves to pieces (mostly). It's only bad for _us_, because we kind of miss it all. Maybe for me more than most. Least they've got their land left.

I like knives, too. Also spears. You can't beat the traditional weapons, you know? Sure, guns and tanks and stuff are awesome as hell, but I miss _real _fighting. These days, even _war _is done at a distance.

Me? Get ideas? Never! Hehe. I don't think; I _know. _Why? You guessed it: cause I'm awesome.

Hey... ha! You just said I was worth the constant emails! Which means you like emailing me! Ha! Haha! I _told _you so! I _knew _you'd admit it! And hey, if my talent is not getting jokes, then I'll just ignore the last paragraph and focus on the fact that you _also admitted I'm absolutely fucking fantastic. _Although you spelled fantastic wrong. Christ, don't you have spell check on whatever you're using to type this? Heh.

Well, even if the world as we know it is going to be torn apart and chewed to pieces by you and your little card game buddies, at least you finally managed to admit that I'm awesome.

PRUSSIA

* * *

**To: ****PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet**

**From: ****KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom**

**Subject: I did **_**not.**_

Yes, I do know full well that you could never be cutting. Mostly because you rarely form coherent sentences. I couldn't be you because I wouldn't stoop to that level.

I think it's best that we don't meet. For one thing, you'll probably be disappointed – reality rarely lives up to expectations. For another, I'd murder you before an hour had passed. It wouldn't be fun. Although I do take objection to the idea that I couldn't, if I so wished, be perfectly polite. How do you know that I would throw a knife at you, as opposed to inviting you to my apartment to play a deadly board game?

Nicknames, I have decided, do not bother me. Yours do.

Why should I tell you when the world's in danger? It happens like clockwork, to be honest. Half the time I'm the one orchestrating it. The other half I'm just a perfectly innocent bystander, there for shits and giggles. I have even been known to prevent impending doom, on occasion, although it likely wouldn't have ended the world. So you see, when it's that commonplace, there's no point in alerting everybody.

Heh. I like the sound of England. It's always fun when people's neuroses are obvious. Destroying them from the inside is so simple that it isn't particularly intriguing, so you have to resort to more subtle mind games, and you can play the whole thing on a completely different level. People who are difficult to understand are fun to toy with at first, but I get bored quickly.

He does sound rather knowledgeable about the dark arts, though. Is he merely an enthusiast, or does he have an actual rudimentary understanding of what he's meddling with? You see, I was rather thrust into the whole situation, and by the time I managed to comprehend more complex magical theory, I was solid metal. Over the years, I've become something of an expert. It would be nice to meet a fellow practitioner.

Stay out of all of this. The reckoning is between me and the pharaoh. Or, as the case tends to be, me and the King of Games – his host, the purple haired twerp. Not that I won't find some way to involve his friends. I like watching him squirm. At any rate, it won't be a card game: you made me realise that. No, something more… personal.

About your own problems: maybe you should get involved in the "saving/ dooming the world' business. Not this particular instance of it, but later on (if there is a later on) (that part is a bit vague). It's rather cathartic.

I'm not too fond of spears, or many traditional weapons. Magic, knives and the occasional bit of hand to hand fighting are all I need. I'm particularly partial to a good kitchen knife, though. They're so easy to come by, in this century. Back in Egypt, most of the handles were cheap pieces of shit, and the blades weren't much better.

I've changed my mind since last time. You are as awesome as a heroic soliloquy (which is to say, moving into minus degrees of awesome).

Bakura

* * *

**To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet  
Subject: News from the frontier of the apocalypse **

Kura kid, Bakky my buddy, I _know _everything's about to come crashing around our ears and turn into one giant mindfuck of destruction; I'm not Veneziano.

And I'm not some useless pen pal either – damnit, I've been and done more wars than you've stolen souls and knifed people. Basically what I'm saying is you need to start being upfront with me. Yeah, yeah, you'd probably choke at the keyboard if you even tried, I get it, but the shit's about to hit the fan, majorly, and I need to know what's going on. 'Reckoning' is too vague – I want fucking _facts. _

Truth is, we're all _sehr _confused and scared over here. Maybe the world's always in danger at exactly half past three every Wednesday, but this time's different. I can feel it, and so can a lot of us. Today's world conference was like some kind of freaky social experiment – half of us had a clue of what was going on and were desperately trying to conceal it from the other half who the picture of happy dysfunction, as per usual. It's like the Cold War all over again, only instead of being _there,_ right in the middle of the dictatorial crap, I'm on the sidelines, wandering around like everything's still unicorns and puppies and secretly yelling my head off in frustration because I don't know if the next moment there'll be some apocalyptic global disaster at our doorsteps.

In other news? You're still a creepy fucking bastard. How is it that whatever we end up talking about, it all comes down to manipulation?

And how come you'd like to meet England, but you refuse to hang out with me? Really, Kura, I'm hurt. But if you must know – and I know you'll bite my head off if I don't answer your questions; no hypocrisy there at all, nuh-uh – England's been into all that sorcerer shit since before I was a proper Nation. I'm betting he's better than _you_, though I guess he had the advantage of _not _being locked in a lump of gold for the best part of his life. England can be pretty fucking scarysometimes. Sure, you can laugh, but you remember a little thing called the Spanish Armada? How it was delayed in invading him because of the bad weather? Yeah, that... wasn't chance.

Guess it's a good thing we've got him, what with the impending apocalypse- type-stuff. Hungary too; I'd pit her against _twelve _apocalypses all at once, any day of the week. Even Wednesday. Especially Wednesday. Though if you need help at the end of the world, West is your man. I wouldn't normally say this, but he's been brilliant. Everyone else is looking like they're a few panicky seconds away from a nervous breakdown, complete with putting underwear on their head and saying 'wibble', but West doesn't even seem scared. He's been reassuring everyone who knows, and making up halfway-decent excuses to satisfy the ones who don't. He can even make _Veneziano _shut up and calm down. Though that's a Veneziano-specific talent, come to think of it – it sure doesn't seem to work on Romano, at any rate. More's the pity –kid won't shut up.

West still keeps telling me to do the laundry, though. I say what use is fucking _domestics _when we're heading towards freaking _Armageddon_?

But I'll say it again: I am _not _staying out of this. This isn't just some cute little revenge tragedy between you and the twerpy Pharaoh – it's my world too! And damn it, I sort of like it the way it is! You know – _non_-destroyed!

Which is why I'm not getting into the whole saving/dooming the world 'business' (what is it; the family trade or something?). Although I'd make a freaking fantastic superhero.

Look, remember how you promised me you'd never disappear again? Well, I get the feeling it's getting close to the point where you're about to break it. Bastard. You don't _break_ pinky swears, damn it! So yeah. Just... tell me when it's reckoning-time, yeah? Just in case. Yes, I _know _you're going to kick an unholy amount of ass and conquer a stupid amount of the world, which I'm actually almost looking forward to - but what if, OK? Just what if? After all, I wouldn't want to _pine _at you for days until you can be bothered to reply again. Not that I ever pined. I'm just using your phrase, because otherwise you'll pretend you don't know what I'm talking about and use it as an excuse to break off contact for _days_. Which is just not on. Kay?

Yay, you said I was awesome again! See, sooner or later, everyone just admits it. I know. It hurts to realise that you'll never be quite as amazingly brilliant as I am. But you'll get over it. Everyone does! And hey, I understand; I'd hang out with you anyway. Even if you refuse to actually hang out.

Korea may have invented everything else including you, me and carpet cleaner, but awesomeness originated in

PRUSSIA! :)

* * *

**To: ****PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet**

**From: ****KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom**

**Subject: Until next time**

Prussia. Listen. No, not like you're doing now. Wipe that shit eating grin off your face (I am aware of the fact that I used your name, so there's no need to look so happy about it) (how the hell are you managing to be happy after just ranting about the world's impending doom, anyway?) and listen to me.

I'm not going to fucking disappear.

I've been preparing for this for way too long for it to come to that.

Fine. Whatever. Think of it as a revenge tragedy, then. Here's me, the plain dealing villain, with my glaring fatal flaw of hubris or revenge or bitterness or whatever the fuck you're implying. What is this to you, a joke? I talk about manipulation because that's apparently what fate's been doing to us all since the start, if I'm to believe the predictions of some decaying rock and an ancient necklace. And if I am – to believe them, that is – then there isn't a whole lot of hope for me, in the end.

After all, the hero always overcomes the villain, doesn't he?

Well, not this time. I'm going to fight everything that they throw at me. I could care less if a hurricane of friendship speeches are directed my way, and the pharaoh's uncanny ability to topdeck whenever he needs to won't be any help when we aren't playing cards.

The world can go to hell. I could care less. That bastard's going down.

I made my choice long before I ever met you. A very, very long time ago, when there was something far more powerful than me, and I wanted that power. And the problem with deals with the devil, is that the devil is generally even more powerful than a naïve Egyptian thief wants to believe. And so much better at manipulation. I suppose you never did like my rather ambiguous statements about the past, but I can't see a better way to put it.

It's all so ironic that I could cry. Or laugh. I just want to laugh and laugh until the entire world stands there terrified - sure that I'm insane - and then I'll say "Your move."

I can just see your face. You're utterly livid, aren't you? Well, I don't have the energy to think of some witty remark to rile you up further. In fact, I don't even want to. I'm tired of all of this. It should have ended three thousand years ago, and it never did.

I never thought I would survive long enough for that to happen.

But now I have to play my role right until the end, consequences be damned. If it all goes to hell, so be it. I'll know that I tried, and I'll know that my justice has been exacted.

Maybe if it had lasted a little longer, we could have met up. If you think it's that important, maybe we could have been friends.

But I can guarantee that I won't disappear – remember what you said? I never lie.

Bakura

* * *

**To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet  
Subject: I'll see you then**

Cut the crap, Kura, you _know _we're friends _now_! Right? Kura?

Tch, of course we're friends. You just used my _name_. I mean, wow. How much more friendly can you get?

You know what? You remind me of me. Now there's no need to get too excited – I only mean a _little._ You're not quite as awesome. But nearly. Anyway, you remind me of me because you could care less about all this global ramifications shit – you never were into all that political _blah_– or even all that crap about fate, because what _is _fate? When you get down to it, it's just shit that happens; you're just in it for the fight, and the victory, and the pummelling the other guy's face in. Or, you know, the gaming equivalent. And God damn it, you're going to win. Right?

... Kura?

I have to tell you, things aren't looking too pretty down here, and that's not just because Russia's gracing us with his presence. We're in the middle of an emergency global meeting, and Egypt's explaining all the card game stuff to everyone – cue looks of grim horror from some of us, and grim _confusion _with everyone else. Man, do I know how _that _one feels. So I guess I'd finally be up to date with what's going on, but to tell you the truth I'm not actually listening much. I mean, I get the gist of it. Talking to you is more important.

You can tell the world to go to hell, but at least _one_ part of the world won't do that, because he knows that's just what you're like, and you don't really mean it, and in the end, he's totally on your side.

The thing about people like us, you see, is we just keep on _surviving. _Just look at me. Most people can't even think of a reason why I still _exist_, yet whaddaya know, here I am, the living, breathing, emailing specimen. We're fighters. And we're goddamn crazy to boot. Which is why people like you and me always end up lasting longer than we ever expected. Hell, there were times a few decades ago – mostly to do with all the _nuclear freaking warheads _certain people kept waving in each others' faces – when I really thought: Shit, this is _it_. But it never was. And the wall came down, and everything just carried on.

Basically, people like you and me? Are pretty damn hard to kill.

Look, when all this is over... well, I know you said you didn't want to meet up. But I'm going to choose not to believe you. Come on, Kura! We can go for a drink or something. I'll find you. I'll even _pay._ Which makes you a pretty huge fucking cheapskate, by the way, cause you'll be King of the World or something by then. But yeah.

Your choice. Your move.

Go knock 'em dead. Uh. Literally, I guess.

Ah, hell. You always were a pretty fucking awesome guy. Just figured you should know that. Which you already do, because you're an arrogant bastard. That's OK, though.

I'll see you soon.

Prussia

* * *

**To: ****PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet**

**From: ****KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom**

**Subject: Sorry**

Dear Prussia,

I am very sorry to take up your time by emailing you like this, but I was not sure what else to do. I am sure Bakura will email you soon, but he has been a little busy.

I'm sorry. That was a lie. I'm fed up with lies, and I think that he would like me to tell you the truth.

He isn't here. Not anymore. And I don't think he will be, ever again. And I really really really do not think I am allowed to tell you why - but then, you're special, maybe? You have to be important, or he wouldn't have emailed you at all.

Well, he's gone now, and I can't help you. Or him. Sorry - that was very blunt of me, but I cannot think of a better way to phrase it. If you just delete this email address from your contacts, and any saved messages, nobody will know you were in contact. I would advise you to lie low, and whatever he said, do not believe it. He was good at manipulating people, and it is best to just try to move on.

I do not wish to cause offence. I merely want to help you in any way possible, and currently, the only way that I can see is for you to forget. Whatever you've done in his name, it doesn't matter. Please go back to living.

Forgive me for my brevity.

Bakura Ryou

* * *

**To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom  
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet  
Subject: **

Ryou,

You're... you're the _host_, right? Uh. Sorry. Didn't mean to be rude.

The fuck am I saying? Sorry and all, but I think I'm going to be really, really, rude here.

How the hell can he be _gone?_ He told me he _wasn't going to fucking disappear. _He promised! What. _Happened. _

Look, thanks for trying to be straight with me. I appreciate that. But really, you're being just as vague and ambiguous as _he _was. Is.

Do you even _know _what went on? Have you any clue what happ

He lost, didn't he.

Villain always loses.

Is he dead? _Can _he be dead? I guess so. I guess, after all that, he _was _only human. I think. And that's what humans do – they fucking _die _on you. Changing names; changing faces. _Fuck_.

... Forget about him? What the _hell _are you talking about. I am freaking _Prussia _and I do not_ forget_ my _friends_. I don't get rid of addresses, I don't delete emails and I certainly don't _hide_.

Did he get my last message, do you think?

Anyway, you don't have to explain anything else if you don't want to. I think I'll be hearing about it a lot at the next meeting. They're already going crazy with relief – that's when I knew _something _had gone wrong. So really I'm not all that surprised. Or I shouldn't be.

Or something. I don't know.

Prussia.

P.S. In case you're worried, the world's not in crisis anymore. Officially. I have it on good authority from the International Conference of Personified Nations. Or the International Conference of Argumentative Fucktards; not sure what we're calling ourselves anymore these days. But yeah. You... you go back to living too, kay?

P.P.S. Thanks for, you know. Getting in touch. And stuff. Thank you.

* * *

**Fin.**


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